Sharing precious and valuable moments with children is something that is very difficult to do when the parents are no longer together.  However, it does not have to be inflamed by the animosity or discordance shared amongst parents.  Birthdays, holidays, special occasions are all very significant to the family as a whole and should be cherished.  Oftentimes, these special moments can be ruined by something as simple as parents refusing to communicate.  In my practice, I always receive an influx of telephone calls right around the holidays, about child visitation.  And although I can address some of the problems that arise after the fact, there is very little I can do to help a parent recapture the most memorable time of a holiday.  I have compiled a list of things both parents can do to minimize the possibility of that happening to them.
Here is a list of  things to do to ensure a joyful holiday season with child visitation:

1. Keep an Open Mind, Flexibility is Important.

Try to remember that the children are adjusting to the split up of the family too.  Allowing them to have some say in how they wish to spend their holiday is essential.  Spending the eve of the holiday or splitting the holiday (if possible), in lieu of the entire day, may be options to explore. 

2. Try to Devise a Plan in Advance.

The earlier you plan the holidays, around your schedule, your child(ren)’s wishes and what is practical, the smoother things should go.  Talk openly about the specifics of the holiday with the entire family, including the other parent.  If there is no Family Court order, then devise a plan.  If there is, then it’s also a good idea to know and understand your court ordered child visitation schedule down to the most basic details. 

3. Get in the Holiday Spirit.

The holidays are times to create loving, fun, joyful memories.  At times you have to work at creating those memories for everyone, especially your child.  Try not to think about the time the child(ren) will be away from you, focus on the time they will spend with you.  Keep a level head! 

4. Stick to the Plan.

Ensure that you follow the plan devised (whether the one devised by you or the court).  Avoiding unnecessary last minute changes can prevent disruption in the holiday schedule, as well as costly trips to Family Court.
5. Get the Whole Family Involved.

If you get the whole family involved in the planning, the facilitation and the incorporation, the probability of the child(ren) experiencing “sadness” is minimized.  Having the entire family involved in planning early on, helps to make up for the absence of former family traditions.
6. Create New Family Traditions.

Some former family traditions may be impossible since the family unit is restructured.  There is nothing wrong with creating new ones, especially when the entire family is involved.  Family members may take on new or different roles, while keeping the attention on the festivities.

7. Allow the Child(ren) to Express Themselves.

Parents who divorce  or separate have to face the tremendous emotional and psychological effect on children.  Many things parents take for granted are what typically mix up children’s feelings, i.e. how he/she thinks the split is their fault.  Don’t discourage the child(ren) from talking about the other parent or past memories, they are still a very important part of their lives, even if they are not as important to you.

8. Allow Yourself to Express Feelings.

Holidays can be very sentimental, especially if the split was recent.  It’s perfectly healthy to have mixed feelings about the change in family structure.  Trying to avoid these feelings or deny that they exist does not fool anyone, especially not the child(ren).   In can be quite comforting to parents and the children to openly express their feelings.

9. Acknowledge New and/or Additional Family Members.

Step-parents and step-families will more than likely be an integral part of new family traditions.  Keeping them in mind when planning holidays only adds to smoothing out the transition.  Do not attempt to replace anyone with an addition to family but accept the addition as that, an addition.

10.  Capture Each Moment.

Pictures, pictures, pictures.  Try to memorialize every moment as if it were the last.  Having child custody or child visitation, the focus is still the child.
          Although court ordered child visitation schedules can be helpful, they almost never address every possible situation.  It helps to work out a schedule that is feasible, practical and reasonable in advance and then have it signed by the judge.  Most often the courts will not want to get too involved with working out the details, but sometimes it is necessary when the parties are so contentious that they are unable to.  The more details provided in the order the little chance for misunderstanding.  However, conversely, the more detailed the instructions in the order the less room for deviating from that order in the event there is a change in either parents plans.  In either situation, it is always best if the parties communicate openly and honestly.

        If you have issues regarding a current child visitation schedule, order or plan feel free to contact my office to discuss these issues.